A lot of ideas about healing can be boiled down to one very detrimental statement that I have been guilty of using myself plenty in the past: "Easier said than done."
The thing about that statement does not only lack integrity, but it also lacks confidence and determination. How many things do you say you will do--and then actually do? Before you go to bed you say "I have to get up early and go to work." and you get up and go to work (albeit not always early, but consistency is the key, not perfection).
That's the best part about healing is that it is inherently messy. It's not perfect, and there are a million ways you can try. Some things that work for others, will not work for you. You always need to find your own groove, but one of the most important things in healing is training your mind to be open to that groove, for it to be stronger than the fear that tightens your throat or chest so that you can make changes in order to make a difference.
Take it from me, the easiest thing to do when you're down deep in the dumps is to just blurt out "easier said than done" because the work to get out of your emotional comfort zone (even if it's chaos) is definitely harder than going through the same cycles over and over again because let's face it, repetition is easy--change is hard.
So how do you do it? Get used to change, get over the fear, and set boundaries with yourself and others in order to actually begin achieving inner peace (instead of just allowing). The first step is really just becoming self-aware. Realizing and feeling the need for change. The feeling that made you wonder what self-love and healing journies were all about or whatever it is that brought you here and to other similar places. A need/want for change. That feeling of something's gotta give.
Sometimes it comes when you're tired of your own crap. Tired of repeating the same cycles. Maybe toxic dating or friends that are the "same person in different bodies." Eventually, when you're tired of running in circles you have to start wondering instead "why would they do this to me?" "Why am I letting them?"
Being aware of what is going on around and inside you and what you are letting go on is an essential step to every path you could possibly take in bettering yourself and your world.
So now that you're starting to become aware, starting to want change--what are your next steps? How do you actually train your mind to be stronger than your emotions?
Ways to train your mind
Start identifying/labeling your emotions. Knowing what exactly you're feeling can help you understand why it's there and what it's trying to tell you. As well, pay attention to their patterns and the choices that they show you. Becoming aware of how much you actually let your emotions run your life can make you stronger in choosing based on things that work with you rather than reacting out of emotions. Emotions aren't your enemy but are there to let you know what's going on.
Identify and replace unhealthy thought patterns--with positives. "I hate this, I'm dumb" are examples that can take away your mental strength. It seems like a blurt, spur of the moment--you might not even think about it at the moment. But even if it's in retrospect, replace those negative thought patterns. "I don't enjoy this, but how can I change it or make it better? Or can I leave the situation?" "I'm trying my best" --or real accountability like "I wasn't paying attention." It's okay to admit your true faults without actually speaking negatively toward yourself, have some compassion. We just get so used to it, that we run on autopilot and forget to do the work of changing those patterns. Aim for regulation, not repression. Awareness over avoidance.
Meditation/Box breathing came later in my journey than I care to admit. I knew breathing and meditation were important but it took me a while to be able to sit quietly with myself and just be. I needed something in my brain because if I wasn't focusing on one thing, the spiral of terrible thoughts would just start turning all by itself. It could take minutes to hours to days of suddenly being like "Oh, I'm going down the rabbit hole" and snapping myself back into a positive mindset. In a guided meditation once I was told to just view the thoughts that came in as passing cars on the road. While this helped a lot, I could still eventually feel the pull of the cars turning into anything else.
When I started box breathing, I was focusing on the count, the visual, and the feeling in my body--all better and easier things to focus on than life's troubles. Inhale 1-2-3-4 (hold) 1-2-3-4 Exhale 1-2-3-4 (hold) 1-2-3-4. Picture the 4 sides of the box as each of the counts. I pictured the holds as the box filling/emptying. While focusing on the 3 things (count, visual, feel) it automatically was doing more work than my intrusive thoughts. It really started to feel like I was working a muscle and I was able to just be. While both my conscious and subconscious could begin to work through the problems more rationally (without reaction time constraints), more accepting than being fearful of change (because by focusing on breath and body I could focus on what my needs were and could listen more intently to my intuition in my stomach than the fear in my chest).
Get loud with healing. When I decided to start changing my mind and getting over my intrusive thoughts, I got very much into the habit of talking to myself. Even if my intrusive thoughts stayed in my head, I spoke to them out loud. I told them no, I asked them why, and I told them it was okay. Speaking nicely to yourself out loud is stronger than the glamour of anxiety your brain can try to use to shield you from the world. Unfortunately, it can also shield us from good things in life like good choices, change, and getting out of your comfort zone because let's face it--it's not actually comfortable, it's just normal and bearable because you're used to it. But speaking your truth and your healing can be seemingly uncomfy at first, most people tend to talk to themselves anyway. You have the power to change your words, and in turn, change your life.
Even intense emotions are just going off how they've been programmed since you were young. It's important to train them so you can react more appropriately and in proportion to different situations. Overreacting is not necessarily a thing because your subconscious knows and remembers things your conscious mind doesn't. It reacts appropriately from what it knows--it's important to use your self-awareness to stop letting your subconscious run things.
Confidence in yourself is one of the rewards of really training your mind--your biggest critic and bully. Learning to become aware and stop letting it walk all over you and make choices out of emotional reactions to situations instead of stopping to really listen to your actual needs. The confidence that comes with becoming stronger than your biggest bully is a motivator that can lead you into seeing and being your highest self.
I hope these steps and wherever they lead you will help you become stronger on the path to healing, listening, and loving yourself. Never be afraid to use the tools you have and start where you are. Remember consistency, not perfection. I started so much of my healing journey just googling until I found what really works for me. I hope this can help you all, too.
With love, Kenzie.
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