It's been a month now, since my birthday. I literally just noticed it took way longer than I wanted to write this. But alas, I am not the controller of when inspiration (or realization) strikes. The truth is, I finally didn't have a sad birthday. Until I realized that I wasn't 25 anymore and I never planned past this. I thought the world would end, or I would give up. It put me in a funk. and every time I thought I had the realization to get me out of it, I hid or ran from it instead. And it's still up there, in my subconscious, along with the 3 other drafts of this post. Realizing today, that's why I couldn't shake the funk.
3 weeks ago, I felt the grief of losing my old self. Shedding who I had created to keep me safe in order to create someone who could do anything she imagined. And anything she put her mind to. The truth is, she always had that spunk. That down-to-earth, but go-getter attitude. I'm not entirely sure what I was scared to lose, because so many parts of me I can still see pushing me toward the future. Wow. When I thought of giving up my old self before, I was more afraid of being abandoned than being guided to the cheering sidelines of this amazing race.
One of my favorite parts of this journey is the light-bulb realization moments. When in a daze, they can be far and few between, but around the corner is always a breakthrough. Now for 26, we just need to work on integrating instead of running from the truth. And that's okay. Because for 26 we are living gracefully, and connecting with my inner child, because we're not going anywhere.
(Day 2 of writing)
I had to take a moment to reflect that I may have felt like I was abandoning myself because I was in some ways. Over the last two years, I've abandoned a lot of toxic thinking and acting in order to grow and heal. But in all that I also had big dreams, new ways of sharing love and light, and as a strong starter, I ran for them harder and forgot to stop and enjoy the fruits of creation I had just started in this healing journey. Such as this blog, my journals, and sharing how I've learned to love on myself daily. I started bypassing and stopped making time for the things that really cultivated joy in my spirit. Sometimes you don't realize what you have until you think you're losing it. Luckily these are not the detrimental lessons of my past. These are the funks that keep me growing and healing when I'm not out, putting myself in harm's way to learn a life lesson.
Journal entry today: "You are no longer abandoning yourself. You are not bringing detriment into your life. You are growing the way it comes. you are learning your own way without causing harm to yourself or others. This is healing."
We are shining brightly and gracefully these days, so we can give others permission to do the same. One of my favorite quotes of all time, it makes sense it would come full circle on such a blooming birthday as this. It was kind of fun while it lasted, but so is this new adventure. Fun, fresh, and joyful. Take Care, 25.
So long, and thanks for all the fish.
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